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F is for FearI’m not scared of the dark
I’m scared of the way my mind unravels in it
And I’m not scared of heights
I’m scared I’ll jump
And I’m not scared of falling in love
I’m scared of what it makes me do
But most of all,
I’m not scared of giving up.
And that -
That frightens me the most.
midnight murmurswhen you look at me like that
I want to kiss you
feel our hearts beat in sync
share the same breath
the same bed
sometimes I think I could
my life with you
but when you look at me like that
I can only imagine
You chose her.
Cupid's curseSometimes I wonder if I imagined you
because you disappeared almost without a trace
only leaving an illegible phone number
two 'x's trapped in the creases
two 'x's hovering on my lips
and every time I breathe
Your summer breath
I get lost in you
while you are lost in the crowd
out of sight
never out of my mind
It is a curse
when the rest of the world has forgotten
a curse I keep lodged in my heart
like a bullet
Being without you is a wound
gaping maw in my side
and while I choke back tears and
try to stop myself splitting at the seams
a haze of smoke on the periphery
Sometimes I wonder if I inhaled you
vapour in my lungs
dust in my bloodstream
(two 'x's lost in the creases
separated by folds of paper mountains
so close and yet –
ForgettingIt is a relentless tide that
Drags me -
Kicking and screaming
Away from you
And the further I get
The older I get
stay or goI watch you spin the dice in your hand
Odds and evens
A constellation of black stars flowing between your fingertips
Odds and evens
Your mouth quirks and a question drips into your eyes
‘Odds or evens?’
That’s not really the question though
Odds or evens
We both know there’s far more to it than just
Odds or evens
You’re betting our fate on luck, tossing my heart like a coin
Odds or evens
What do you want me to pick
The dice drop.
I am left with 1 and 2 to put the pieces back together.
blank stares and blank pagesAm I alone in this relationship?
Because I haven't heard you talk in a while and
when I sleep next to you
it's like you hardly breathe
I take up all the air
all the conversation
you are a shell
and I think I am lying to the world
saying you're mine
when you are no one's
because you are no one
I am alone in this relationship but you -
you are alone in this world.
Monochrome mistakesThey told me to let go
And as I wrenched free from your grasp
I watched blankly as your dappled hazel eyes faded
And I turned back to a black and white world
Friends or lovers
No blurred distinctions
No grey area
And you fell in line as an
Alabaster pawn, stoic on one side of the board
Over time I moved pieces
Fell amongst ebony rooks
Shadowed kings with ink blot eyes
And bit by bit
Ivory and ebony clashed.
They were vicious
Knocking each other off the board relentlessly
Until there was just you -
A white pawn refusing to move
Into the checkered no man's land
Where we once resided so happily
And I begged and pleaded but -
You were stuck in the monochrome world
That I had imprisoned you in
So I picked up the pieces
Let the game begin again.
Today I was a spectator tonight I was a spectreHe told me he met god
In the eyes of a pharaoh hound
He told me he took a knife
And nearly cut its eye
He told me he couldn't do it
Because they were the eyes of god
He told me he cut off his hair instead
Sprinkled it like slanting rain to apologise
He told me his knees were bruised
From begging for forgiveness
He told me the hound just stared
Dark eyes orbiting his face
He told me it saw his soul
And then it padded away
He told me his shorn threads of hair
Blew away in the wind like ribbons
He told me he painted the sky gold
That the sun disappeared behind dust and the pinpricks of his distant strands
He told me god bestowed upon him a miracle
To make the sun set just once
He told me his hair became stars
A constellation of tangled golden webs
He told me he saw god
In the eyes of a pharaoh hound
Put up with meI need
Need need need
At ease soldier
Just calm cool rooms
We love and hate and love
Well I hate and hate and hate
And you just love
Taking every hit and gnash and claw
The words and the tears and tears and
So much anger
I am confused
A bitter sad little girl
Furious at the world and people and you
Grin and bear it
For the exhaustion to hit
For me to collapse on my fists and
Surrender to sweet sentiments and soft touches
Forget the reasons the causes
To let go and
But you have waited a long time
And I’m just as twisted
Just as cynical
And one day either I will crumble
Or you will
Take It All Away.There’s a tear between each smile and a fracture on my heart
And a thousand feelings breaking me and tearing me apart
Knowing when it’s over I may lose my sanity
Embrace the mess I am and the storm inside of me
In the dark I have a chance to fight away my problems
To ignore them all away instead of trying to solve them
All I saw when I looked back was a mass of insecurity
Laying waste to who I am and ripping at the seam
Lowering my already non-existent self-esteem
And I couldn’t help admitting I’m a self-made failure
Walking a broken path as a second-hand savior
And it all adds up to nothing; me in a nutshell
Yanking on the chain that tethers me to hell…
Writers blockHello blank page,
Nice to see you again.
So much to write,
Yet I can’t seem to begin.
What else can I do?
Nothing appears to fit in.
I write and I scratch,
For its all in vain.
I'm going insane!
Searching my mind
I’m tired of this pain.
Y’know what's ironic?
It is quite funny,
You know you’ve got IT bad
when IT’s what you're writing.
How Do I Express ThisFunny
How these letters that I type
Are just set shapes and listless lines
That hold no meaning on their own
So, how can I convey
Exactly what I want to say
When the only tools I have are
Cold dark ink and pale white paper,
Blank words with no expressions
And empty lines that hide the answers
I was thinking,
If I slant my words
You’ll be able to see
By the way they fall towards the edge
That, I’m falling too
Everyone knows that.
I have not a presence,
I have not a voice,
I have not a reality,
I'm just not there.
It really isn't fun,
Because my emotions
My ideas, my thoughts,
My body, my being,
Is pushed around.
Maybe if I
Could open my mouth,
Could make myself talk,
Could make my
I would be seen.
But I cant,
So I'll disappear,
Go back to my world,
And not speak,
Not show emotion,
And be invisible
I Dream In BlackEvery time my head touches the pillow,
when my eyes close,
I fear the dreams
that will inevitably come.
For when I lay blind
on my bed,
blanketed in black light,
I dream of you.
And I've noticed that,
the dreams of my deepest sleep
have been gradually turning darker,
as if painted
And I fear
when they disappear,
so will you.
Ashen DiaryShe wrote everything
in that old diary of hers,
always smelling of tangerines
looking torn and beaten
from all the corners and crooks
she's hidden it in.
She shoved hours of every day
between the cracking covers
of that book,
hoping to save them for the future,
when she'll no longer be able to remember,
incapable of reliving her past.
Pouring out her soul onto the pages
through the tip
of her black sharpie,
recording her life
minute by minute.
She didn't know
that putting her life on paper
would take the life
out of her.
I didn't know either.
And now I would kill
to read the her hidden behind covers.
I'd die to read the her
who opened up over the pages.
Trapped insideYou awoke a beast inside of me
Its hunger devoured me, can't you see?
Its desire fractured my veins
It transformed my blood into its chains
My perspiration to the sound of its existence
Its incisors punctured my fragile resistance
Its paws clawed in vain at my chest trying to flee
It possessed me
Body and soul
Turned me into a monster, my life it stole
Its passion burned my heart
Its frenzy tore me apart
You awoke a beast inside of me
And only you can set it free
Defined.And I have realised
That in my life I have been more defined by the
Unpredictable and ever-changing male forces
Than the steady ever-present females
And I suppose it is like being caught in a storm
All you feel are the winds
And you hardly notice the
Silent wall bracing you
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Lilyas has dedicated herself to making our community a brighter place with her vibrant artwork and infectious enthusiasm for interacting with others in our community. It has certainly paid off, as many deviants flock to her page on a daily basis to let her know how much of an inspiration she is. We absolutely agree, and couldn't let all that hard work go without recognition, so it's with great pride that we bestow the Deviousness Award for March 2014, to ... Read More